Learning Self-Care
Photo @contentpixie Unsplash
I have been thinking a lot about self-care as it has come up several times over the past week, leading me to the realization that I truly don’t know what caring for myself would look like. Now, before we resort to the scheduling of massages and other consumer-based solutions, I wanted to look at why this seems to be a challenge for me.
It first came up in a conversation with two dear friends. The three of us are not afraid to lovingly call each other out on our BS when we see it. As I was updating them on the reasons behind some decisions I had previously made (which were in my best interest) that I was now reversing, they made the point that everything I brought up was to help someone else: the community, a friend, my husband. When I responded that I take care of myself by taking a walk every day, one of them immediately pointed out that the walk was really for the dog. Busted! At that moment, it became abundantly clear that I really was not doing anything to just take care of myself.
Fast-forward to later in the week during a coaching session with my therapist where I brought this up, and we started to explore it. She pointed out that when you grow up in a home where your emotional needs are not met, this leads us to not knowing how to accurately meet our own needs as an adult. I sat with that one for a while. What I realized here was that my generation, GenX, was the first generation of latchkey kids. We really did mostly raise ourselves and were taught to take care of siblings, household chores, friends and other family before we did anything for ourselves. Add in a dose of people pleasing, and you have the perfect combination for being really good at caring for others and equally poor at caring for yourself.
And as is always the case for me, the universe sends a third message to really drive this home. On Sunday, I was reading the latest post from one of my favorite Substack writers, Anne Helen Peterson, who writes a weekly blog called Culture Study. The title of this week’s post is, “Show Up for Yourself First” and yes, the article was about how, for a lot of us, taking care of ourselves does not come naturally. She mentions a book written by Rachel Wilkerson Miller called The Art of Showing Up which is about how to show up for your friends and important people in your life. That said, Peterson writes that Miller, “humbly asks you, as a reader, to spend the whole first half of the book dealing with some of your own shit before you get to the part where you start thinking about your existing or desired friendships.” Peterson goes on to say that the book contains “a set of principles for taking care- a sort of code of behavior for treating yourself and other people well.” I highly encourage reading Peterson’s entire post which you can find here.
Third time is the charm, right? Honestly, this subject came up in two additional ways as well, so the universe is not giving up on getting through to me. Well, message is received, loud and clear. It is time that I learn how to nurture and care for myself and that starts with actually figuring out what my needs are. Folks, I am deeply bone tired and drained. My word of the year is 'joyful' and in order to find that joy, I need to feel resourced again. What will this look like? I am not sure, but I am starting to ask the deep questions and find out. I will keep you posted on my progress. And if you are in need of some self-care yourself, this is your sign that the time is now. I would love to hear your favorite ways to care for yourself, so email me and let me know.