Tending Your Grief Garden

*Please note that this blog post deals with grief.

Our Memorial Garden

One thing I have learned over the last two years of loss, is that grief takes its own shape and follows its own course and is never the same twice. From losing my mom, to my sweet dog, Spencer, and finally my father, I feel like all I have done lately is grieve and try to recover enough to function. With both parents having health problems before they passed, I was constantly on alert for the next phone call where a parent needed me or relayed bad health news. Spencer’s health was also a day to day up and down battle while we struggled to get a diagnosis and keep him comfortable. This constant stress takes a toll on a person. I am only now beginning to see how much.

The grief (which let me point out does not stop but changes with time) was different in all three of these losses. The first one shocked me to my core and left me unable to take deep breaths. I couldn’t stop picking up the phone to call my mom before realizing she’s no longer here. Reminders of her were everywhere and still are. All I wanted to do was back up time and spend more of it with her. It also came with regrets and sadness over the time taken from us. I was soothed by spending time with loved ones and friends. Her loss still feels fresh and maybe it always will.

A year after losing my mom, my Yorkie, Spencer, had worsening health issues, and eventually due to his illness, we had to put him to sleep. I have lost pets before, but this one wrecked me. His death was traumatic as he suffered greatly that last day. Spencer had been a source of comfort from losing Mom, and I was angry that what was wrong with him came from being bred by an irresponsible breeder. It sent me right back to deep grief - which I had only began to come out of - all over again. Once again, the support of family and friends helped me lessen the pain.

Then in June of this year, my dad died. This loss opened up even more grief from losing my mom, the pain of realizing you no longer have parents, and the realization of just how short our time is on this planet. It also released intense anger and a whole maelstrom of other negative emotions. My relationship with both parents was challenging, but my father took challenging to a whole other level. Suffice it to say, he was manipulative, controlling and emotionally abusive to my brother and me all my life, and his pre-planned actions to take place after his death, just drove it all home again. Combined with these emotions, I also experienced sadness that he never was the dad I needed. I was so full of anger and negativity that I literally had to go dark for almost 6 weeks by only doing the bare minimum of what I had to and not socializing. I could not handle interacting with anyone other than my husband and my dog for fear the bubbling anger would come out inappropriately, not to mention how any interactions completely drained me of what little energy I had.

Today, I still find myself feeling completely exhausted, but also hopeful. I know that grieving and the related emotions will continue, but I do not have any expectations or pre-conceived ideas about what it will look like in the future. I do know that now, after putting my needs last while I cared for others, it is definitely time that my own health is a priority.

I am so grateful to all of my friends who gave me grace and space to process while still letting me know they were there for me when I needed them. You fill my world with joy and happiness, and I appreciate you all. Grief does not have a single path or follow a set number of steps. It’s messy, unpredictable and at times unbearable. Time and not running from the emotions helps, but everyone must do it their own way.

One of my ways has been for Keith and I to create a memorial garden dedicated to those we have lost. It is filled with gifts and plants that kind friends have given us in sympathy during these past two years. It is a place to grieve, reflect on life, remember the good times and hopefully, to heal. As my friend, Jenn Oglesbee says, “Grief doesn’t need fixing. It needs tending.” Here’s to tending you grief garden in whatever way works best for you.

**If you are grieving and feel stuck or just need support, I highly recommend my friend, Jenn Oglesbee. She is a certified grief counselor and comes with a knowing perspective from her own painful loss. Her newsletter has been a key part in supporting me through these past two years. You can find her here at https://www.jennoglesbee.com/coaching.